All That We Had Planned

There will be a cold November evening when I am going to wake my mind up from the deep slumber it has been into for months.  Maybe that day like a man who is determined to give up his life I will muster up enough resolve to get up from my bed and walk to my closet that has never been put into order since ages. That day I will rummage through my stuff and find that black dress, all shriveled and creased up somewhere in the corner. I will take it out, wipe the dust off it and put it on a chair. I just might then go and splash my face with water avoiding looking at my reflection and those bloodshot eyes that haven’t slept in a long long time. Why confront yourself when you know you can do a good job of avoiding and moving on? 

After drying my face with a towel I will put that dress on. And just when I know I am going to lose all courage I will walk up to the dresser. Now it is time for confrontation. I knew this couldn’t wait. I knew I couldn’t avoid it that long. It’s always wrong to think one can move on without confronting. The contradictions within myself amaze me. 

Pale. Lifeless. Whisper. Frail. Shadow. Like a long lost memory.

This is me on the most special day of my life. I should have been better. I should have put on some more weight, put some color into my cheeks, slept a little. But it’s alright. It’s okay. You have seen me in a far worse state. Appearances don’t matter anymore we agreed on that, right?  I will put on some rouge to give myself some color. I wouldn’t want to be pale. No, that is not an option. It will be the best of me that evening. That wine red lipstick will come next covering these lips with a boldness that the evening will demand. That sprinkle of the perfume will fill the night with a fragrance which will accentuate the beating of my heart. Oh this will go as planned. This will be the best night of our lives.

Freeing my hair into the dark night so that it has a chance to play with the air, picking up my clutch and walking to the doors I will then realize what is missing. So once more I will walk back to my closet and take out that pair of black stilettoes that has never been worn, that you had always wanted to see me in. I will not let this luxury be taken away from you that night. So in those heels I will walk up to the door, then give myself a moment of doubt, a moment to fall apart and a moment to pick up my pieces and build up my resolve. Again.

As I will walk into that dingy dark inn where we had planned that evening, I know my eyes with look around looking for a trace of you. Then I will smile at the bizarre thoughts evading my mind. Selecting a table in the corner I will sit down and order a drink. Time and again I will look up when the doors will open to let someone in – with anticipation. And then maybe I will finish my drink, order one more and then another and then one more just to spend this time with you.

Maybe after a couple of drinks I will call it a night, get up from my chair, pick up my keys and move towards the door. Yes, things will go as planned. Yes I will make my dreams come true. Yes it will be the best night of my life only that the cold November evening will go on without you.