Lessons.

There were violins playing in the background.

Remember when we used to sit in the library at night and talk about the weirdest dreams we had had the night before? There was a certain kind of comfort in knowing that there was someone with you; it was like having a best friend you said.

You came around a full circle. And then you changed your colors and maybe it was the thought of losing something that you took for granted or maybe it was because things were going too fast for you, you turned on me and lashed out at me like I was some kind of a punching bag that you needed to let out your steam. I am not. And I could see all that depression and all that helplessness but you can’t unsay what you said and you can’t undo what you did. And even if I tell myself you’re a good person on the inside, suddenly you scare me.

I could say sorry, I could say I didn’t know. But nothing I say will make any difference. It won’t change the reality that your person is gone. And that you need to move on because life and everything with it has changed. There will be no more sneaking into libraries and sitting on the desks and pouring your heart out moments. There will be no sharing of dreams and fears anymore. There will be no more time when I’d sit with your hand in mine and tell you it’s going to be okay as your best friend.

The violins have stopped playing.

Everlasting Togetherness.

Another long stretch of silence here. Maybe it’s because I haven’t had a moment to sit down and catch up with life these past few weeks. So much has happened and so much is yet to happen that the whole process of it is over-whelming. Many chapters of my life have been completed and a whole new one – the biggest there is – has begun. And I’m scared. I’m scared because I am so happy that it’s hard to believe at times. You can’t be this happy and not wonder when it’s going to end. I pray it never does.

As I sit here and think of how life has turned out, I am thankful of everything that has happened. So much of what I have been through could have been avoided but I guess it was the process that I needed to go through to become the person that I am. My faith in destiny and my faith in the saying that everything happens for a reason has been strengthened deeply.

You wouldn’t wait and I didn’t want this to become a routine. Yet each time you went out that door, my heart paced a little faster, just enough for me to know that something was missing. So when you came back home, I had to string into words what you mean to me and how much so that you never forget how important you are to me and that maybe that would make me as important too. But each time I said something about how I felt, this dread came creeping up my spine, that maybe it’s too much or that maybe it might ring false to you and instead of me getting “there” I’d just push you away. That every word may overwhelm you to the extent of becoming a burden. I have always been bad at judging people and I don’t know what this will turn out to be.

Would you be a friend to me? When life gets tough and I have no one to turn to, would you listen to my unsaid words, my bickering and whining? I keep thinking that maybe you would and if you didn’t it would break my heart. And with each passing day I will drift away into an abyss of silence. But why do I always assume that the worst is going to happen? I don’t know you that well, maybe that’s why. Because above the exterior of confidence, there’s this girl who knows nothing of relationships and the world.

That day we shared a table and that song. Another day after, we shared a table and a physical connection. We have yet to share our secrets and our childhood memories. And so much more. One step at a time; small baby steps. And maybe one day your scent will become second nature to me and when I’ll touch you it’ll be familiar and calming instead of electrifying and unnerving. I could sit there for hours and hear you speak but more than that I want to be comfortable during that silence that will follow when we’re done speaking. We will get there, eventually.

I can’t sit still but I can’t let you see me fidget either. I hold my hands together and I look down at my lap while you talk and gaze at the contours of my face. My eyes shine but I won’t let you see it. I am vulnerable to you and my soul is bare but it’ll take you awhile to know just how bare my soul is. I will give you my all.

The clinking of glass and china, the laughter of a woman who was trying too hard, the smoke of cigars and cigarettes, with all those questionable stares around us and I have a heart up my sleeve just for you.996803_603977932975601_1611045216_n

 

 

 

Half life. 

Let me kiss your feet today. 

Let me hold your head in my arms and feed you like poison ivy. Let me love you. 

Stroke. Caress. Hold. Kiss. Lick. Beat. Smash. Break. Fall. 

If i had the power of both the worlds, I’d take away your pain. And give you the taste of mine. I’d give you the pain of my longing for you. 

So that you know how it feels to break from within while healing another. That’s how prophets are made. I’d make a prophet out of you. 

Tender. Soft. Subtle. Tender. Pain. Calor. Dolor. Rubor. Stone. 

You will never know my pain. You can’t fathom. You are not here. 

I’d love you like a thousand suns. I’d hold you close and ease your mind. I’d give you peace while I stab my heart. 

You will be free. 

8.

A friend once said, “It’s not just the heartache. It’s an ultimate insult. It’s the turn-around that is unacceptable. You know, one day you have someone in the palm of your hand, and the next, they are invincible. There they are, like a challenge. So much out of reach, and so sure about their paths being separate from ours that our reluctance to accept the shifting paradigms brings us down to our knees.”

There are kinds of love that can break a person’s spine. The kinds of love that turn us all into begging blabbering leeches. You stick to that person until you can stick to them no more. You refuse to leave. And one day, there’s this ‘slap’ that comes out of nowhere. They pry you off themselves in a way that you don’t know what hit you. There you realize that this needs to end. Its vicious, what you’re going through but you can’t go through more than that. It has to end because if it doesn’t you’d turn to dust.

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, and you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises. After a while you learn that you can’t destroy yourself beyond a certain point, that you need to water your garden yourself in the long periods of drought, that no one, no one you need, will come and rescue you.

It won’t stop. It won’t change. It won’t be the same anymore. Suddenly she is so tired and so done. It takes every ounce of strength to carry herself as if she does not live in hell.

Mine.

 

Ignorance. Bliss. The ultimate fate. The reason. Of everything. You know you own me.  And that is what you exploit. And that is how you play. I choose to ignore. Bliss.

 
The stones in my shoes. The dirt in my hair. Does it tell you how much I’ve traversed the hard times? Don’t you know if eternity is mine then so are you? Are you?

 
As i beg and plead and I kneel down on my knees, what makes you so sure of yourself? It’s only the confidence that I give you. The love that you see in my eyes. That’s what makes you so sure of yourself.
Don’t break me.

 
Break me. If only to be in your arms.

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