Another long stretch of silence here. Maybe it’s because I haven’t had a moment to sit down and catch up with life these past few weeks. So much has happened and so much is yet to happen that the whole process of it is over-whelming. Many chapters of my life have been completed and a whole new one – the biggest there is – has begun. And I’m scared. I’m scared because I am so happy that it’s hard to believe at times. You can’t be this happy and not wonder when it’s going to end. I pray it never does.
As I sit here and think of how life has turned out, I am thankful of everything that has happened. So much of what I have been through could have been avoided but I guess it was the process that I needed to go through to become the person that I am. My faith in destiny and my faith in the saying that everything happens for a reason has been strengthened deeply.
You wouldn’t wait and I didn’t want this to become a routine. Yet each time you went out that door, my heart paced a little faster, just enough for me to know that something was missing. So when you came back home, I had to string into words what you mean to me and how much so that you never forget how important you are to me and that maybe that would make me as important too. But each time I said something about how I felt, this dread came creeping up my spine, that maybe it’s too much or that maybe it might ring false to you and instead of me getting “there” I’d just push you away. That every word may overwhelm you to the extent of becoming a burden. I have always been bad at judging people and I don’t know what this will turn out to be.
Would you be a friend to me? When life gets tough and I have no one to turn to, would you listen to my unsaid words, my bickering and whining? I keep thinking that maybe you would and if you didn’t it would break my heart. And with each passing day I will drift away into an abyss of silence. But why do I always assume that the worst is going to happen? I don’t know you that well, maybe that’s why. Because above the exterior of confidence, there’s this girl who knows nothing of relationships and the world.
That day we shared a table and that song. Another day after, we shared a table and a physical connection. We have yet to share our secrets and our childhood memories. And so much more. One step at a time; small baby steps. And maybe one day your scent will become second nature to me and when I’ll touch you it’ll be familiar and calming instead of electrifying and unnerving. I could sit there for hours and hear you speak but more than that I want to be comfortable during that silence that will follow when we’re done speaking. We will get there, eventually.
I can’t sit still but I can’t let you see me fidget either. I hold my hands together and I look down at my lap while you talk and gaze at the contours of my face. My eyes shine but I won’t let you see it. I am vulnerable to you and my soul is bare but it’ll take you awhile to know just how bare my soul is. I will give you my all.
The clinking of glass and china, the laughter of a woman who was trying too hard, the smoke of cigars and cigarettes, with all those questionable stares around us and I have a heart up my sleeve just for you.