If it were any other day I wouldn’t be sitting in front of my laptop screen and typing down this piece but tonight is New Year ’s Eve and I find myself drawn to my blog. I need to say a few things before the night is over and a new day dawns but what I’m about to say isn’t for anyone. I don’t want to thank people or apologize or tell others how they made me feel. This is for me. This is to tell myself how I feel. This is to tell myself outward and openly what I have been going through and what has been haunting me so that I can sweep off the unsaid words and half-finished conversations from the dark dusty floors of my mind and make room for new words to be left unsaid and new conversations to be left hanging from the roof like cobwebs that I’ll sweep away after another year. I need to make peace with my demons.
I know things are not going to change any time soon. I’ll be still hung over the scent of your cologne and I’ll still be waiting for you to turn back home. I still have that porch light on so that you don’t forget your way back to me. I still carry you close like the teardrops in my eyes. A new year is not going to change that. A new year is not going to change anything especially not the way I feel about you. For a moment I thought I was going to hate you and move on. But then I remembered I promised. You aren’t going to leave me alone this year too, are you? That’s okay, I’m used to you anyway.
Suddenly I am at a loss for words. Again I fail to come up with coherent and meaningful sentences to share. It’s like you have filled me up yet again threatening to devour me once and for all, and I with all my mind try to keep you at bay; with my heart – not so much.
It was a cold March evening. I was standing there in an olive colored dress waiting for you on the footpath while the wind blew my hair away from my face. Red lips and black heels. Just like you wanted. You came, got off your car and opened the door for me. I got in. We drew off. I would like to say into the sunset but you took me to this really fancy ice cream place that you so loved that you had to take me to it.
You parked the car. I looked at you properly for the first time after a whole month. You had shaved. Red jacket, black shirt. Just like I wanted. We got off the car and standing side by side we looked at each other. There was intensity, there were fireworks. You took my hand in yours and together we crossed the road.
Inside, there wasn’t a person to stare or pass a comment. You got me my favorite ice cream and asked me if I was okay. I nodded and out we came. Took hold of your arm and crossed the road back to the car. In the car sitting with you felt so unnatural. I could feel that there was so much tension between us and I knew you felt it too. I still haven’t figured it out if it was because of your breathing that condensed from the coldness of the evening or was it because I was scared that I wanted you so much I’ll explode.
“You know what I missed the most about you? I missed how you wanted me,” you said.
I laughed. You kept staring at me.
“What did you miss about me? Did you even miss me?” you asked.
“Ahan.” I nodded. “I missed your… everything. I missed your everything. But more than anything. I missed…” I stopped and looked ahead. I could see our reflections in the windscreen. So distorted so blurred. “… I missed how you loved me.”
You finished your ice cream and asked me where I wanted to go next. I told you to take me to the park where we used to meet every month. And like every single time we met, the veils of formality started dropping. You laughed. I giggled. I remember you said something funny to which I slapped your arm and started laughing. You looked at my face and grinned and I could see that twinkle in your eyes I was so in love with. We reached the park and got out together. This uncle came to us and told us that the park closes at about 10 pm. It was half past eight so we had plenty of time.
It is jotted in my memory so vividly that I can sketch it on paper. It was extremely dark but the streetlights were on and were creating an orange halo around everything. The cold breeze started playing with my hair. Spring was on its way so the scent of jasmine and petrichor were in the air. Little drops of rain started falling and I suddenly shivered. Not a soul in sight but even if there was I didn’t notice. It seemed like it was just you and me in the whole wide world. You saw me shiver so you took off your jacket and put it around my shoulders. It seemed like a movie. I covered myself with it and closed my eyes for a minute. The smell of the cologne was so powerful and I didn’t want it to go away ever. You touched my arm and we resumed walking.
We had never came to that side of the park. It was so beautiful that it felt like I was in someone else’s painting. So serene, so quiet and so beautifully painted that it created magic. There was a platform that we stopped at that was full of yellow and orange lights. You looked at me, this time with so much love that I wanted to cry. You touched my cold face with your warm hand and caressed it.
“I love you. You don’t have to believe me but I do. And I want to tell you that this past month I missed you with every particle of my being and nothing felt right. You know what feels right? This feels right. You and I.”
It still feels right for whom the bells toll.
A happy happy New Year to you sweetheart.
We made it.