Defeat.


As you start growing up, you start realizing that nothing is ever permanent; how you have to keep struggling for the things you have so that you can keep them. Same goes for relationships, people, friends and so many other things that we used to think were a part of our lives – innocence and a pure pure heart.

Jee Main Ata Hai Tere Daaman Main Sar Jhuka K

Hum Rotay Rahein, Rotay Rahein…

Today was a happy day. I had accomplished something. No, its way more than something. It’s a milestone. Another chapter of my life written and closed, done and dusted for. Suddenly, each passing minute has started making me nauseous. I don’t want the time to pass by. I want it to stop. The unknown is so damn scary. How can anyone jump into that abyss and call it an adventure. Doesn’t it scare you? Looking into the beyond where nothing is in your control? Is there anything ever in our control? This scares me. You scare me. Suddenly I feel so alone.

It was a crazy night. There was the river, the bank of the river, us and fireworks. We were walking, arms entwined, steps in perfect harmony, quiet. When I looked at you, I saw an image so divided and multiplied that it shattered my gaze into a million pieces and just when you looked at me, I averted my gaze, looking towards the midnight sky. Past the midnight strolls and long stretches of quiet walks in the parks, we were just two strangers waiting for our stars to bump into each other. It never happens.

So many words choke on my lips with things I needed to say but I knew it would make no sense to you. Oh, how I knew you will never understand. You have my heart but my mind is so tired of trying to make you see. It’s like we are in this remarkable parody. It’s as if we are meant to repeat the same mistakes over and over again. But this is another day, and I have to live with this other version of your story, another deceit and another disappointment all over again. Somebody told me that it was okay to mourn the loss of love and life. I haven’t even started.

Right after the fireworks by the river, right after the walks of midnight life, right after the untangling of arms, right after another night of silence between us, right after slowly dissolving into nothing, right after breaking down from within, you retract into oblivion and walk away and I pretend that I don’t care.

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